Sunday, February 24, 2008

Transformation


We've all heard about those people who wake up one morning and realize that the lives that they have been living no longer feel authentic or organic to them. So, they start taking radical steps to create the lives they have always wanted. We've all heard that old lovely tale, right?

Well, I am one of those people. My name is Kathy.

My story goes something like this.

After a series of losses, including a divorce, the loss of my father and then the loss of my wonderful 18 1/2 year old kitty, I couldn't stop ignoring that voice inside me that kept telling me it was time to step into the flow and stop fighting against it. Or, in simpler terms: it was time to shake shit up.

So, I took the first step in creating this change and found a yoga teacher training that felt right to me and committed to it. I'd always loved yoga and that little voice inside me kept telling me that I was meant to be a teacher. This meant taking several months out of work and opening myself up to an entirely different way of life. I also chose a studio where I didn't know anyone and just, well, jumped. Hell, who am I kidding: I DOVE. And yes, it was scary. And yes, I never felt more alive in my life as I stood there day after day shaking.

Now, a year and a half later, I can tell you shaking shit up? Do it. Be brave. Why you ask? Because as scary as it is (and it's freaking scary and like the greatest high ever all at once) when you start peeling away the layers and going deep you might just find the you that you've always pined for. Yes, that person! I am slowly but surely becoming the me that I kind of really love. I kind of really like her too. She's more courageous than I ever was and her growing fearlessness is pretty awe inspiring. She's the me I yearn to be. No wait: she's the me I am actually becoming...

There are painful repercussions to this transformative process as well. For one, you might find that the friends who you thought you could count on and who would support your quest for a more authentic existence are, well, too stuck in their own ruts to be able to embrace your excitement for this path you're on. Your bliss might just piss them off.

I recently called a friend to tell her about my latest trip to Guatemala, my plan to do retreats and my latest yoga challenge and all she could do was ask me when I was working next. It was then I realized I was doing the very thing that utterly terrified her. I was living outside of the proverbial box and it rattled her to her core. Hell, it even produced some anger. There must be order, right? Things have to make perfect sense, no? NO, they don't! This from the chick who has always needed things to make perfect sense!

Have you ever been traveling and on your quest to find something gotten utterly lost and stumbled upon a place you completely fell in love with and had the most wonderful time in the process? Funny how that works. I now get lost as often as possible. I am finding in getting lost I stumble across the most magical things. I hope I learn to get lost more in love on this path of mine as well. I am looking forward to just letting go and seeing where the journey takes me. I've got some work to do (no more chicken shits on ego trips for a start), but I'm open to the process.

My father spent his entire adult life committed to one path and he loved it. He was one of those rare birds that got paid to do the very thing he loved the most and it really turned him on. He was a scientist until the end. An utterly brilliant one at that. And you know what? He'd be the first person cheering me on right about now. He'd be excited that I am discovering things that light me up from within and make me all shiny and bright. He always did tell me that I was the sparkly type. Do what you love, he'd say.

I love to travel, I love to write and I love to teach. I am trying to find a way to bring them all together.

I'm on my way, pops...

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4 comments:

Maria said...

I may be doing it a little quietly over here on this side of the pond, but I'm cheering you on too! Damn, you should be so utterly proud of yourself for taking the step some of us are still working on taking. You keep that strength, drive and absolute determination that you have found within you, and don't you ever let go. It comes out in your writing, my friend, every last bit of it.

Go -- and don't ever stop. Those that happily call you friend will cheer you on. I know I am :-)

Good for you! The joy is shining through, and easily felt :-)

Leslie said...

Well done! Everyone is proud of you, as you stride through life...

Dancing to a different drum is what life is all about.

kiki said...

I commend you, Kathy!!

"Diva" said...

I right with you babe!!!!
it is hard to march to a different drummer... but hell... it is also much more fun!

it is your destiny Ms Pernickety!